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Wednesday, January 27, 2010


"How are you?" they ask. "Okay," I say. I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I feel like I'm broken into a million pieces, like my heart is being ripped from my body, like there's a giant whole in me, but other times, everything seems completely this morning when Luke wouldn't make a decision about anything, and the big kids were getting ready for school, and each time I nursed Cora. Then I walk into my room where a little angel is lying on my bed, and I hear her shallow, labored breathing, and see her beautiful, but frail little frame and I wonder how in the world life will go on without her. I think of things like Valentines Day and Easter and summer vacation, and I am, I don't even know the word for it, as I try to picture all of those things and many more without Emma. I like to picture her happy and well. I like to imagine her playing and laughing, dancing and singing, skipping through fields of green, catching butterflies and flying kites, and eating watermelon on the beach, as it drips down her bathing suit. I like to imagine her calling my name, because she never did. I like to dream and wish that she could do all those wonderful things here, with us. I continue to believe and ask God to give her a miraculous healing. "Wouldn't that be wonderful, God," I ask. "I know you are totally able. All you have to do is think the word, and she can spring from the bed, and give me a big 'ol hug! Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing, God? We will totally give you all the glory and honor. God, help me to give you the same glory and honor now matter what you decide."

So, I'm okay, right now. In a few minutes I might not be. Kelvin is such a rock. He seems to keep me balanced. What a blessing to go through this trial with him.

Emma is about the same. Her heart rate is about 100 and respiration around 20. Her new nick name is "Toughy." I wonder why she is hanging on for so long? One day, all of these questions will be revealed. And when that day comes, it will be but a speck in the grand scheme of life, for when it is revealed, it will no longer matter, because we will all be in such a better place. Here is a description of Heaven I like to think about...

'[Heaven] is a picture of my bride, the Church: individuals who together form a spiritual city with a living river flowing through the middle, and on both shores trees growing with fruit that will heal the hurt and sorrows of the nations. And this city is always open, and each gate into it is made of a single pearl'...'That would be me!' [Mack said]. He saw Mack's question and explained, 'Pearls, Mack. The only precious stone made by pain, suffering and--finally--death.'

Emma is my precious pearl.
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