Wednesday, January 27, 2010

okay

"How are you?" they ask. "Okay," I say. I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I feel like I'm broken into a million pieces, like my heart is being ripped from my body, like there's a giant whole in me, but other times, everything seems completely normal...like this morning when Luke wouldn't make a decision about anything, and the big kids were getting ready for school, and each time I nursed Cora. Then I walk into my room where a little angel is lying on my bed, and I hear her shallow, labored breathing, and see her beautiful, but frail little frame and I wonder how in the world life will go on without her. I think of things like Valentines Day and Easter and summer vacation, and I am, I don't even know the word for it, as I try to picture all of those things and many more without Emma. I like to picture her happy and well. I like to imagine her playing and laughing, dancing and singing, skipping through fields of green, catching butterflies and flying kites, and eating watermelon on the beach, as it drips down her bathing suit. I like to imagine her calling my name, because she never did. I like to dream and wish that she could do all those wonderful things here, with us. I continue to believe and ask God to give her a miraculous healing. "Wouldn't that be wonderful, God," I ask. "I know you are totally able. All you have to do is think the word, and she can spring from the bed, and give me a big 'ol hug! Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing, God? We will totally give you all the glory and honor. God, help me to give you the same glory and honor now matter what you decide."

So, I'm okay, right now. In a few minutes I might not be. Kelvin is such a rock. He seems to keep me balanced. What a blessing to go through this trial with him.

Emma is about the same. Her heart rate is about 100 and respiration around 20. Her new nick name is "Toughy." I wonder why she is hanging on for so long? One day, all of these questions will be revealed. And when that day comes, it will be but a speck in the grand scheme of life, for when it is revealed, it will no longer matter, because we will all be in such a better place. Here is a description of Heaven I like to think about...

'[Heaven] is a picture of my bride, the Church: individuals who together form a spiritual city with a living river flowing through the middle, and on both shores trees growing with fruit that will heal the hurt and sorrows of the nations. And this city is always open, and each gate into it is made of a single pearl'...'That would be me!' [Mack said]. He saw Mack's question and explained, 'Pearls, Mack. The only precious stone made by pain, suffering and--finally--death.'


Emma is my precious pearl.

10 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to Emma and your entire family. She has certainly impacted a huge number of lives in such a short amount of time. May God bless you all.

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  2. Christy,
    My heart pains for you and Kelvin. As a parent, we never want anything harmful to come to our beautiful children. Only our father knows why painful things happen in our paths. He is the maker of all things, good or bad. I will pray a special prayer for you tonight and I will pray for a peacful night for precious Emma.
    Love you all and Hugs,
    Darla

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  3. What a lucky girl to have such Loving and Godly parents!! Your faith is amazing. There is a special place in heaven for Emma as like the place in peoples hearts that she touched here on earth!! May god bless Emma, her parents, siblings, relatives, and all the lifes of people she has impacted. I know she will live in our hearts forever! How lucky am I to know Emma and her Family!

    Cayne

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  4. I have been extremely touched by your blog and by little Emma's story. I have no words to express what I am feeling. But I am praying; praying for you, praying for Emma's siblings and especially praying for your little miracle, Emma! Don't you know Jesus can't wait to hold her in His glorious lap!! God bless you all,
    Lane

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  5. Christy and Kelvin and family~
    I have sat here for the past nearly 3 hours and read your blog from start to now. I have gone through nearly and entire box of kleenex and just ache for you. Our God is a mighty and awesome God and I pray He will hold you all through this time. One day we will all be caught up with our Lord Jesus Christ in the air and we will all have our new glorified bodies. Your precious Emma will be perfect, as will we all. One what a glorious day that will be! Thank you for sharing your journey. As painful as it is, rest assured our Lord is using you in a powerful way. All my love goes out to you. I will be in continued prayer though this time.
    In Him~ Michelle

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  6. Emma your struggle is reminding us all of how very precious and fragile life is. We take so much for granted. You are blessing us all with the opportunity to slow our thoughts for just a moment. A moment of hushed silence, as we all listen carefully to hear the whispered breathing of God's special creation...you baby Em.

    You have granted unto us a moment of priviledge in which to join our hearts with those of your loving parents...a moment of rememberance to share our true feelings with those dearest to us...and also a moment of sober reflection. You've blessed each of our lives with a "God moment"...a moment of realization that each of our lives are measured in numbered breaths.

    Thank you sweet Emma for giving us pause, and reminding us to never take for granted the life we are given.

    While you are wrapped in the love of your family, with the Master of all creation standing in your midst, we are all quietly listening as you speak to our hearts.

    We will remember to hug someone today because of you.
    "Love never fails" (I Cor. 13:8)

    The Wheelers

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  7. Your love, grace and strenght amaze me. Your faith in God overwhelms me. Without ever wanting the position this way...you inspire a multitude. To have the faith it takes to cheer your little one through the gates of Heaven into the arms of Jesus...it was said perfectly on FB..Emma was put into the perfect family with the perfect parents. We are all better for Emma's precious life and battle!

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  8. To the Dunnam Family,
    Our hearts, thougths, prayers and everything else within us, are with you. You guys are truly an amazing family and testimony to so many people in this WORLD! We will continue to pray for peace for Emma! God Bless all of you.

    Love - Candice, Joey, and Mattie Dotson

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  9. I saw Nate Burkhus on Oprah the other day. He lost his partner in the Tsunami 5 years ago and he was talking to a family that had lost their son to cancer. He said that it dawned on him that the special dates (Christmas, etc) didn't have power by themselves, that it was the MEMORIES that hold the power. So he could relax and let the memories come when they wanted to come and not tie them up with special dates that make him sad. It seemed like a good way to cope and I hope it helps your family in the future.

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