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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I miss her

Monday night...

A cold front is blowing in with a thunderstorm. I can hear the thunder rumbling closer and closer. The rain has come in quickly and heavily, and now it seems like it's getting lighter. The sound of it all is a nice distraction from the pain in my heart and mind. It has been a week since Emma left this world, and I miss her so much already. I don't miss her being sick, and I'm so happy she is well now, but I miss her. I guess now that she's gone, I remember how she used to be before Batten Disease took her place, and I miss that little doll. There is a definite emptiness in our family now. I'm missing one of the stairsteps in the line of our children. I feel clumsy, like I'm going to trip and fall. When Luke blew out his candles yesterday, it made me sad that all of our family wasn't here to see him. When we went to the boardwalk and rode the fun rides, my heart ached that Emma couldn't enjoy it with us too. When I got in the car and her seat wasn't there, my heart sank. When I look around at all the beautiful flowers I am reminded of her beauty. She was so beautiful. She had lips that would make Angelina Jolie jealous. Her eyelashes were long and curled perfectly. Her eyebrows were shaped like she'd just had them waxed. Her skin was so smooth and creamy. Her hair was golden, almost white, and so soft. Her nose was the cutest little button. I felt I could see to her soul through her big, round, brown eyes. Her teeth were so strong and straight. Her little voice, which I cherished so much, was the perfect blend of raspy and strong and melodic. I loved feeling her fingers and rubbing her little toes. Her fingernails grew so quickly, I had to trim them every couple of weeks. I miss holding her little body, especially last year around this time when she would lay her head on my swollen belly. Maybe Cora will remember the touch of her sister someday from that special time. I miss my precious girl...

I am forever changed.
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