Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I miss her

Monday night...

A cold front is blowing in with a thunderstorm. I can hear the thunder rumbling closer and closer. The rain has come in quickly and heavily, and now it seems like it's getting lighter. The sound of it all is a nice distraction from the pain in my heart and mind. It has been a week since Emma left this world, and I miss her so much already. I don't miss her being sick, and I'm so happy she is well now, but I miss her. I guess now that she's gone, I remember how she used to be before Batten Disease took her place, and I miss that little doll. There is a definite emptiness in our family now. I'm missing one of the stairsteps in the line of our children. I feel clumsy, like I'm going to trip and fall. When Luke blew out his candles yesterday, it made me sad that all of our family wasn't here to see him. When we went to the boardwalk and rode the fun rides, my heart ached that Emma couldn't enjoy it with us too. When I got in the car and her seat wasn't there, my heart sank. When I look around at all the beautiful flowers I am reminded of her beauty. She was so beautiful. She had lips that would make Angelina Jolie jealous. Her eyelashes were long and curled perfectly. Her eyebrows were shaped like she'd just had them waxed. Her skin was so smooth and creamy. Her hair was golden, almost white, and so soft. Her nose was the cutest little button. I felt I could see to her soul through her big, round, brown eyes. Her teeth were so strong and straight. Her little voice, which I cherished so much, was the perfect blend of raspy and strong and melodic. I loved feeling her fingers and rubbing her little toes. Her fingernails grew so quickly, I had to trim them every couple of weeks. I miss holding her little body, especially last year around this time when she would lay her head on my swollen belly. Maybe Cora will remember the touch of her sister someday from that special time. I miss my precious girl...

I am forever changed.


  1. Oh, Christy...my heart aches for you. Emma will never be forgotten. I can't wait to meet her in Heaven someday!


  2. still loving you and your family and still praying for you all that you will continue to be a light in this dark valley that we are all traveling along with you through. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you all and prayed for you. I shared your story with my two kids a few weeks before Emma passed during our family prayer time when we all say people that we'd like to pray for and both of my kids each night since have asked to pray for you all even before I do. My 7 year old daughter always wants to pray for Carleigh because she feels she is her friend and wants to pray for her because she is sad and her momma and daddy too. So from the the sweet prayers from my Lexi to your family- may the Lord watch over you, comfort you all in these hard times and may He help you not be so sad.

    God Bless you and thank you for sharing your pain with us all. May the Lord let each of us carry a little of it for you.

  3. A Mother's broken heart. I am so sorry. The world is a sadder place without sweet Emma. But, the world is a better place because of Emma. The heaven even became a bit sweeter when Emma arrived.
    Thinking and Praying for you,
    Atlantic Canda

  4. How I wish I had the right words to comfort you in your pain. I can not begin to explain to you how you have changed my life forever. As a mother of four, there have been times that I felt I was "picking" on one child; like they caught the short end of the stick and they get my frustration that forms from having your children out number you. You have opened my eyes to, for lack of a better word, equal opprotunity. You have taught me to take a step back and cherish every moment. Even when its been a bad day. Yesterday my three year old screamed for about six hours because as a big girl, we got rid of the pacifier. A huge feat in our house. Yet I found myself being more patient, more caring in a sense. Such a little feat compared to your pain. I find myself thinking of you and Emma often when my day just isnt going well. And the thought of you makes my day seem perfect.
    Our family continues to pray for you and your family as you continue through this journey. Although Emma is not here, her spirit is forever changing this world. Your journey is not over. Thank you for letting us be a part of your world. All our love and prayers, The Howards

  5. Christy, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I will continue to lift you all up in prayer, and I know our God will hold you close today, tomorrow and always. You are DEFINATELY a Psalm 31 woman!

  6. Christy,
    My heart aches for you.

    I am hanging on to every word now...even when Adrianna wakes up at 3am just to tell me about a book in her school library.

    I have not stopped praying for you guys. May God continue to carry you.

  7. I could never even imagine how you feel...but please know that I am praying for you and your family. You know I would make it better if I could. Love you, Mendy

  8. I have a feeling that many are forever changed by sweet Emma's inspirational life!

    I can't even begin to imagine the ache that must fill you, but when I try to imagine, it hurts so very much! I pray that God fills you with His peace, grace and strength! You are thought of and prayed for often! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

  9. Christy and Kelvin, my heart aches for you as your family is experiences the void in you lives with out Emma. Oh that precious child that touched and changed so many. I can't imagine all the emotions that you and the children are feeling, you will continue to be in our prayers. Emma brought many special friends into mine and Ken's life, especially Bill and Susan...don't tell Bill I said nice things about him,LOL! We are still working hard on the upcoming Bash and know it will be bigger and better than ever to honor Emma's Legacy. Love you all. Ken and Sharon

  10. I am so sad for you as a mother. I don't know you or your family but I find myself checking quite often daily for updates and I like to look back at her cute pictures. My heart hurts for you and I am forever touched by little Emma. I look at life differently..sweet when I hold my daughter and sometimes harshly when I think of the pain you are going through. I try to make since of it all and your words touch my heart in such a strong way that I can't even begin to explain.

  11. No words will help and I'm so sorry for that. I continue to pray for you and your family. Though I'm reading with tears flowing, I'm glad to see you on the Blog again. I've missed you.

  12. Mike and are sending steady prayers for you and the family. Love you dearly and hope you find a calm time to lay your head and rest. Life does not slow for those of us left here. My wish for you is peace and precious memories.


  13. Ohhhh..... Ohhhh, my heart aches for you sweet momma! I love your sweet tender words to describe this sweet girl. I am still praying and think of you. Emma was such an inspiration to us all and continues to be still... The smell of the sweet rain, the smell of heaven I believe... the rain drops, the little pitter patter of Emma's feet dancing in heaven! I love you!

  14. The words you speak of Emma fill my heart with smiles. She is a beautiful child and so blessed that God chose you and Kelvin to be her parents! As so many have said before me and will continue to say after - Thank You for sharing Emma's journey with us.For showing us unconditional love and the gift of faith. We love you! Donna Billeaud

  15. Christy and Kelvin,

    Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and lift you in prayer. We are all hurting with you. It's hard to imagine myself in your place, and I don't think that would even come close.

    In the middle of the Upward devotional last Saturday, Lorin Kirk sang and it was beautiful. Andrew layed his head down in my lap to listen to her sing. I just sat there, stroking his hair and weeping uncontrollably because I could do this and you no longer could.

    Emma's spirit is so precious and she is living on - you are so right about her "dash." We miss her, too.

    Love you,

  16. I was thinking the other day about how sad it will be seeing Kelvin not holding her and her precious head on his shoulder. I am thinking she loved her momma but was probably a "Daddy's Girl"!! She is now laying her head on His shoulder and I hope that brings you guys some peace. I know you miss her so much and my heart just aches for you so much. When I left your house the other day I just cried and prayed for you and Kelvin. You will always be in my prayers!
    Ps...we forgot to tell Luke Happy Birthday that day too!! So will you please tell him Noah and Jesse said Happy Birthday!

  17. Emma definatly never be forgotten. I just wanted to share with you what I saw the other morning. I drive a school bus so I am driving before the sun comes up. I just so happened to be driving in the direction that the sun was comming up in and had the most beautiful experience. The clouds looked like pink cotton candy. It was sooooo pink,(I have never seen the sky pink) the first thing I thought of was Emma. She was showing her beauty through the clouds. I wish I would have had a camera because it was definatly worth taking a picture of.

  18. Words cannot express how much my heart aches for you and your family. Your sweet little angel and your beautiful family have changed me and made me a better person. I've learned to appreciate the little things even more,to love like I've never loved, and to cherish every second. You all are in my prayers daily.

  19. I'm guessing these cold rainy days don't help with the ache in your heart. As your tears flow, please know that I am praying for you and each person in your family. I imagine the heartache must be unbearable at times and I pray (and know) that His grace will flood you completly.

    On my heart and in my prayers.....

  20. Dear Ones,

    You will always miss her. You will think of her always, as you do with everyone that you love.

    You will not always hurt with this fresh pain. Time and Lord will help you heal.

    In many days from now you will remember her, and the joy of her will be greater than the pain of your loss.

    I know, as I have been in your shoes. There is no greater pain thn losing your child.

    Please survive for the others who need you.

    Please also continue share with all of us who have read and laughed and cried and felt desperate along with you.

    We promis to continue to pray for you and laugh with you and cry with you.

    We love you!

  21. Hey. I've been keeping up with your blog, my mom sent me the link. I had no idea all this was going on, but it's been a real encouragement to me to see your faith in God's goodness amidst such turmoil. I think of Christy Nockel's "Glory Baby" when I read your entries. I don't understand the strength God's given you, but it helps me to know it exists, that He gives all good things to His children.

    This entry "I miss her" ties in a little bit with an entry I wrote a while back, clueless of the fact you were struggling. Maybe it will be another form of encouragement to you? Here's the link. God bless you all, and thanks for standing firm for God's goodness when it'd be so easy to blame Him. May hearts crack open in response to your faith!


  22. My heart was crying with you that night and still is. Emma has touched so many in her short life and she will always be loved and never forgotten.
    Praying that you would be comforted by God and He would srengthen and uphold you each moment. Praying that the empty places in your heart and life would be filled.
    Praying also that little Cora would have memories of her older sister. Babies remember the voices that they heard before they were born so we can have a strong hope that she heard Emma's voice and felt her touch.
    Love and hugs and prayers,


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