club member

I loved the dinner club we used to have. I'm very fond of the coffee club and the charm bracelet club, and I love going to weddings at the country club. I am amazed when I get to go to the ginormous Cosco or Sam's Clubs, but I never wanted to be a member of this club. I remember reading other blogs of people who had lost children, or hearing a sad, terrible story of how a child was taken from a family, and I always said I couldn't fathom that. I would just die. I still can't, and I feel like I might sometimes. Somehow this all seems like some sort of awful nightmare. I still can't believe our precious Emma is gone. I still can't believe her diagnosis. I remember the neurologist telling me what he suspected, and upon looking it up, reading and learning that my child would regress to a vegetative state and die at an early age. How in the world could this have happened? I wish I could wake up and everything would be back to the way it was intended. I wish I was getting my almost 4 year old ready for preschool this morning. I wish I was planning what she would wear to rodeo day at school soon and buying all the ingredients for my recipe for the chili cook-off for her class. I wish I was planning her birthday party or choosing what outfit I was going to buy for her out of the Kelly's Kids catalog to match her brother and sisters. I do not want this new club membership! I would like my baby back, please.