Monday, April 5, 2010

Falling to pieces


A lot of times lately, I seem to float through life, getting along just fine. Then, out of the blue, a huge wave of sadness, darkness, deep despair and heaviness presses in on me like a heavy quilt. Sometimes I don't think I can breath. I told my precious husband yesterday I didn't know how his mom hasn't completely fallen apart. She has buried her daughter, husband (and best friend), and now her granddaughter. She is so strong. I didn't realize just how strong until now. Just to get out of bed and function every day is amazing. I know it is for me, I can't imagine how much more so for her. Kelvin agreed she is very strong and then asked me if I felt like I was falling apart. Yes, yes I do. He said that was okay. There was a lot of love lost when we lost Emma. It all seems so unreal, like a bad dream. I look at Cora and remember seeing Emma develop the same sweet way. I wish she was here today, healthy and happy. There will always be a tremendous whole in my heart, in our family. One of our stair steps is missing and can never be repaired.


10 comments:

  1. Christy, I wish I knew some magic words to make you feel whole. I know though that you will never feel whole until you are reunited with Emma in Heaven. Until then, you will have to be strong .. as strong as your MIL, and wait for that day.

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  2. I'm so sorry!! I can't even imagine!! I have no idea what to say to you but that I think you are doing and feeling probably like you should!! I don't know. You guys are such an amazing family and I'm so glad that you write your feelings down for us to see! For someone like me who does not know what the future holds for our youngest (not to mention any of us, because we never know what each day will bring) I feel grateful for being able to follow along a little bit and seeing your faith. I just want to say thank you and I know none of this is easy. You are doing such a great job! You, Emma and your whole family is an inspiration to everyone!

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  3. Christy, you read my blog!! I'm honored. Not quite the insipiring writer that you are, but it's fun. I love the third day too! you know, most of the time when I see you I don't know what to say. I don't know you well enough to hug you all the time, but that's what I want to do. I just feel the urge to hold you tight and take just even a portion of your hurt. you always look great and seem to be so put together. Even a little intimidating. I know we don't know each other well, but be expecting a hug from me, next time you see me!

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  4. Christy,
    Still here, still praying with and for you every day.
    Praying for your strength and hope and for God's presence to fill the empty places in your heart.
    Love and hugs and prayers,
    Debi

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  5. Sweet Christy...I have thought a lot about Connie lately and her losses. My heart is sad that you and her son both share the loss of a child with her. Though different circumstances, she knows how it feels. Life is so often unfair. The only way to survive it is through God...and he clearly lives in you. You will fall apart, you will hurt, you will cry, you will...
    But you too, like Connie, are strong. There will be many people that see you as strong and use your strength as inspiration to carry on through their own hurt.

    I think of and pray for your family daily. Your blog ministers to me. You and Kelvin write your thoughts and feeling so beautifully. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

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  6. Oh Christy...I wish I could take away some of your pain but that is only going to happen with time! My heart breaks for you everyday! I hope maybe we can make you guys laugh if just for a night on Saturday....you know with David Coker there is never a dull moment!!

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  7. I'm still praying...Kate never forgets your family in her prayers, too. Hope to see you soon...

    -Amy

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  8. Oh dear. You and Kelvin have both made me think of Humpty Dumpty with your recent posts... I'm not sure it's possible to ever feel entirely together again. And the kind of broken, fried, scrambled, uneasy feelings are pretty crappy.

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  9. Praying for you today my sweet friend! I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I'm thanking God for getting to see you laugh last night, and thanking God for each time I see you smile. If I could wish it all away for you I would. Just know I am praying for you today. You are stronger than you know...

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  10. Thinking of you and praying! I wish that there was more that I could do! My heart aches thinking of the pain you must feel! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

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