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Monday, July 23, 2012

I don't understand

There things in this life I don't understand...

Why does God heal some and not others? There is so much sadness. Why do children have to suffer? There are so many children who are sick with so many different diseases and cancer and horrible things. Why are so many children dying? Parents all over the world are devestated because they have had to say goodbye to a child. Why?! Why does a very Godly man, healthy, with a clean MRI one month, have to suffer with a stage 4 geoblastoma tumor--and all of the uncertainty, memory loss, chemo, radiation, and other loss that goes along with it--the next month? Why does my sweet friend who has lost both parents and her precious husband have to be dealt the extra burden of poor health as well while trying to raise her precious children alone? Why have the children of Haiti, and all the people of that country and so many more for that matter, had to suffer such devastation? Why do men and women all over our country have to deal with complete loss of retirement money and companies that have been a source of income for so many for so long go out of business? Why do I feel like my head is spinning out of control? Why does my mother-in-law have to finish the rest of her life without the man of her dreams? Why do happily married couples have to suffer through prostate cancer? Why do people have to be so mean to each other? Why can't I be a consistent mom who doesn't yell? Why did Eve have to take a bite of the forbidden fruit for crying out loud?!? Why didn't Adam stop her? Why do men and women, especially married men and women, beat each other down instead of lifting each other up? Why can't we love others and treat them the way we want to be treated, living the truth Jesus laid out for us so long ago? Why do people steal? I mean taking something that doesn't belong to them be it a purse, out of someone's car, or a broker spending monies that don't belong to them is just wrong. Why can't we love and be content with what we have instead of always wanting more? Why are 30,000 girls, even as young as three, enslaved in sex-trafficking in Cambodia? Why have we lost the concept of customer service in this country? Why do employees think it is okay to talk on their cell phones when they are trying to provide a service to a customer? Why do they look bored and stand there doing nothing when they should be thankful for a job and busting their rear ends finding something to do? Why do I hear foul language coming from their mouths when they are working? Why can some people play the "system" so easily and never feel like they are doing anything wrong by sitting at home driving their fancy cars and wearing their fancy clothes, talking on the newest, coolest phone, while others are struggling to make ends meet and their kids are hungry but they don't "qualify" for any help because they are busting their backsides at their job and make too much money?! Why are there girls delivering babies in junior high school bathrooms and putting them in the garbage can when couples who would give anything to have a baby can't? Why do people like my sweet friend who wants a whole house full of babies have to have an emergency hysterectomy after delivering her first baby? Why do people trying to get their finances in order get a stupid fine for having a garage sale for not getting a permit and the neighbor down the street has them all the time without getting the said permit and never gets caught? Why do I care? Why do innocent people in a movie theater have to lose their lives?


I am struggling with life right now, or have been for a while, really. I know there are no answers to my questions on this side of Heaven. I think I wish there were, but I don't know if my mind is big enough to grasp the bigness of it all. There are so many things that my puny brain doesn't get. I love to hear stories of how Emma's life impacted someone positively, but it is also painful at the same time. I mean, God is pretty big, why couldn't He have used something else? I really miss her and what should have been. She was diagnosed with Batten Disease on this day, 2008. Sometimes I think God must laugh at my lack of faith to know He does have a plan and He is in control despite my lack of understanding. I wish it were enough for me to just trust. I guess it has to be for now.

I found this post in my drafts last night and worked on it a little bit. I started it several months ago. Funny how I am struggling with the same things still today.

"Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for You are my praise." Jeremiah 17:14 (NASB)
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