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Sunday, July 18, 2010

When you least expect it...

In mid sentence, while watching my kids play, seeing Cora doing something new, visiting a place I've been before with Emma, you never know what may stir my emotions and bring a new wave of grief and tears. I just want to scream sometimes. I miss her so much. I ache that she isn't here. I yearn for her to be with our family experiencing all the fun and excitement that each new day brings. I want her here, well, and ruffling my feathers, just like my other three lovies. Today she missed out on my dad's 70th birthday party. Someone asked at one point during the course of picture-taking who was missing, and I wanted to say, "Emma." My sweet sister-in-law made a beautiful plate for my parents' 30th anniversary (tomorrow) at Mud Pie and gave it to them today. There were froggy footprints of her and my brother's adorable little 4 month old, and then six beautiful little butterflies representing the other grandchildren. Six. I wish all six were still here.

Along with all the fun we've had this summer, it's been hard too. Almost everywhere we've gone has been somewhere Emma was with us the last time we were there. We visited the beach yesterday evening. I don't think I've been ready to go there before now. There was so much devastation from Hurricane Ike. I guess it coincided with the devastation I have felt from losing Emma. 2008 was a very tough year... Marvin, Kelvin's dad, the greatest father-in-law in the world, passed away in April, Emma was diagnosed with Batten Disease in July, and we lost our beach house in September. Of course, in the midst of the chaos, we also found out we were expecting our 4th child, a complete and total surprise! She is a special blessing now, but I was terrified, to say the least, that we might have another baby with Batten Disease. Quite frankly, I don't think I could have handled that. So, until we had the amnio confirming she was indeed a healthy baby, I was a bit of a basket case. Anyway, all that to say, I haven't really been ready to go back to the beach and explore the options of possible re-building or buying another beach house. We had a great year at our beach house with Emma the year before her health began declining. Such fond memories...

My favorite picture of Carleigh, Luke and Emma
on the beach at sunset

Yesterday we were reminded of how much fun Emma had splashing in the water and eating the sand! Cora did the same thing! What is it with babies and eating sand? It can't taste good!

More tears...
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