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Thursday, October 14, 2010

How may I oblige you?

I find I'm not quick to share much about my life right now. Questions that were once surface level and easy to answer, are no longer so easy. Nothing is easy. Nothing is simple. Hopefully one day I'll be able to sort all of this through my head and answers will come quickly again, but not now. For now I will just listen to others speak and smile and nod...

I have met a few people recently who encouraged me to write more on the blog. They informed me that I need to give more insight as to the happenings in the Dunnam world. Frankly, I don't really know what to write most days. I mean, what do you really want to know? Life for everyone in our household seems pretty normal most days. You all probably don't really want to know about the days that are so hard to bear I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up, or the constant struggle I face of whether or not I should take something to help me through these rough days. Do you really want to know things like the fright that takes over my entire being when I can't see one of my kids for a second in the store or the sheer terror that consumes me when I can't hear the big kids playing in the backyard, or a hundred other things just like those? I wish I were more eloquent and could think of a way to write about the things that terrify me without sounding so (hmm, what's the word am I looking for?) weird.

I think it's just a little strange or maybe even a little insulting when someone I haven't seen in a while hugs my neck and says how sorry they were to hear about Emma, then looks at me with a slight head tilt and says, "how are you doing?" What do they want to hear? Would it make them happy to know my daily struggles? Do they really think everything is really already okay? It's only been 8 months, for crying out loud!! I remember going to the pediatrician a couple of months after Emma passed away, and someone in the office said, "are things starting to get back to normal now?" Seriously!? I buried my almost 4 year old daughter a couple of months ago! Will things ever be normal again? My standard answer has become something like, "hanging in there" or "we're making it." I guess I needed to vent a bit. Sorry. For the most part, we are doing pretty well, and I don't want to dig a hole and bury myself in it every day. But some days are very hard, and it really never ceases to amaze me what comes out of people's mouths. I'll never forget the words of one well-meaning woman one day, when upon looking at Emma (before her last couple of weeks with us) said, "poor thing is just wasting away to nothing isn't she?" How do you respond to that one without losing it in front of your children? Or maybe I should have lost it. Kelvin and I had a line we shared between us and a few of our friends when someone would say or do something that didn't set quite so well with us. We would look at each other and say, "they need a stupid sticker." One of our friends actually printed some "stupid" stickers for us. I wish I really could give them to some people.
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