Thanking when I'm breaking

"And I don’t do this well – this thanking when I’m breaking but I do it anyway. And we question and wonder but keep giving Him thanks. And slowly the seed – the miracle — growing in us changes us… not Him or what’s happening around us but what’s happening in us.

Either way – any way – we keep offering it up to Him."~~from Ann Voskamp's sister whose new baby girl wasn't breathing well.

...this thanking when I'm breaking...

Emma at about 4 months

I so identify. This is the hard part. Five days from today marks the day Emma breathed her last labored breath one year ago. We have struggled through some of the past 360 days and sailed through others. This ebb and flow of grief, living while I'm dying, "thanking when I'm breaking." I am learning to heal. It's hard some days and easier others.

Emma's first day of Wee School...she was so excited

God knew what He was doing when He surprised us with Cora. She is such a bright spot, learning so much, soaking up everything around her. I know she would have adored Emma just like she does Carleigh and Luke. She has been good for all of us...teaching us to be good examples, to love, to laugh. Laugh

Emma coming to see Mommy

...this thanking when I'm breaking...

Burning Coals

Church was so good Sunday morning. Our pastors preached about loving, unconditionally. It's hard to love that way, for me anyway. We are learning about being transformed this month. The scriptures are from Romans 12:9-21.

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

So many things spoke to me. I've read these verses 100 times before, but when I heard them Sunday, it was as if I had new ears. Especially verses 14-21 were new for me on Sunday. One of the pastors asked how many times we rejoice with those who rejoice, emphasizing the writer was not speaking about your friends in this verse. Ouch! It's hard to be happy, rejoice for someone who might not be on my side of the fence. And to mourn with those who mourn? Come again, pastor? That's a little harder to wrap my little brain around. For example, he said, most of you probably heard about the senseless shooting in the Amish community...

Following the tragic Amish school shooting of 10 young schoolgirls in a one-room Amish school in October 2006, reporters from throughout the world invaded Lancaster County, PA to cover the story. However, in the hours and days following the shooting a different, an unexpected story developed. In the midst of their grief over this shocking loss, the Amish community didn't cast blame, they didn't point fingers, they didn't hold a press conference with attorneys at their sides. Instead, they reached out with grace and compassion toward the killer's family. The afternoon of the shooting an Amish grandfather of one of the girls who was killed expressed forgiveness toward the killer, Charles Roberts. That same day Amish neighbors visited the Roberts family to comfort them in their sorrow and pain.

Wow! There aren't even any words. Precious Lord, do a work in me.

19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Do you, like me, kind of like the idea of heaping burning coals on the head of your enemy? I said enemy, not the person who grates on your nerves, or cuts you off on the highway, or has 50 items in her cart in the express lane. Enemy, like one who slanders your name, kills your child, seeks to destroy you...enemy. Here's an interpretation of what the verse probably means...

"heap coals of fire on his head" - this was not as painful as it sounds. In Israel, if your fire went right out, you could go to your neighbour and he might put some burning coals in a bucket, which bucket you then carried, on your head, back to your own dwelling. So to "heap coals of fire" upon the head of your enemy, was to furnish him graciously with the neccessary elements of life - ie. food, water and warmth. Prov 25:22. (Cliff York)

Boy, do I have a lot to learn!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer."

Bummer

We finally got around to seeing if the beauty I found in my neighbor's trash pile, of which I spoke about in this post, worked. It was a great chandelier, and all but one of the light fixtures worked. When we Kelvin tried to fix the one bad light, it sparked and acted funny, so we don't want to mess around with a potential fire hazard. Bummer! It would've looked great in our new dining space. (Did I tell you the the old playroom was giving me hives, and our eating space was closing in on me, so I rearranged and converted the playroom into the space for which it was intended in the first place? I'm LOVING it! And yes, we do eat in there.) Oh well, I'll find a replacement. It will need to be pretty soon, because we took down the ceiling fan/light fixture that was in there to replace Carleigh's. It might be kind of nice to eat by candle light too, though. Watch out Goodwill, here I come! I'll also search through the online classifieds, like craigslist and yardsales.com. I'm determined to make this purchase a thrifty one.

We went to another funeral this week. When it rains, it pours. One of our very good friend's dad passed away. I look forward to the day when there is no more pain, sadness, or heartache.

On the agenda next week is cleaning out our large armoire. I'm looking forward to continuing my pursuit of organizing the house. The giant armoire will become an organized version of it's current state of chaos. I also plan on painting a small armoire we have now and using it for our craft, scrapbook and sewing projects cabinet. I just have to figure out the right place to house it. For those of you, who like me, love before and after photos, there will be plenty! I can't wait.

I'm sure all of this rediscovered love of projects, sewing, crafting,etc., is a good way to make my mind work. I would love to just stay in bed all day with the covers over my head, but that's probably not the best thing for me. These little projects seem to be a good outlet for my grief. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that it's almost been a year since Emma passed away. Not that there hasn't been a day that went by this year that I didn't think about her and wish she were still here, but there is something about this anniversary that seems incredibly hard. I ususally like anniversaries, but not this one.

So what projects do you have on the books?

Provision

It's amazing how God provides exactly what you need at the exact time you need it. I found Ann Voskamp's blog one day as I was blog hopping. I've never met her, but she has been a funnel for the Holy Spirit to minister to my soul. Her blog is so peaceful, so comforting, I feel so at home. Below is an insight into her newly released book. I can't wait to get my copy. These past couple of weeks have been a time for healing. I struggle to keep the sadness of this world, this life from getting me down...death of loved ones, children suffering, evil, marriages crumbling, sin, disease, disorders, and so forth. I've enjoyed the slowness of the past few days...much needed.



Carleigh got an American Girl scarf making kit for Christmas. It was really quite a cool gift. it came with everything she needs to make a scarf for her and one that matches exactly for her doll. We worked on her scarf this weekend. She is so proud, and rightfully so! Good work, sweet girl!



You look marvelous, dawling!





Little bit likes it too!



Breath

Sometimes breathing is the hardest part. There are days when everything seems pretty ok, then out of nowhere it hits and takes my breath away...an unbearable desire to hold her again, smell her hair, touch her skin, see her sweet smile. I type through tears as I think about Emma and how much my heart aches that she isn't here with us. I miss our girl.

I hope

We went to a funeral the other night. Mean Gene was his stage name, but he was anything but mean. He and his band played at both of Emma's Bayou Bashes. His heart was big, vey big, and he was extremely generous. Something the preacher said during the funeral service stuck with me. He said Mean Gene had some very big shoes to fill...that it would probably take a better part of the group in attendance to do what he did and touch the lives he touched. I would guess there were more than 500 people there. Wow! I hope that I make such an impact.

I have taken on the challenge to memorize two verses a week from the book of Colossians, resulting in memorizing the entire book by the end of 2011. I hope I can stay the course.

There have been many tragedies around us lately. It's hard not to get dragged down by the enormity of them. I hope I can remain faithful to pray even when the answers I seek don't seem to come as readily as I would like.

I hope I can get my Christmas decorations packed away this week. Am I the only one still enjoying twinkling lights and red and green?

My body is crying out for some exercise. I think my muscles have atrophied from lack thereof. I hope I can get my rear in gear in the next couple of days.

I hope my sister can find relief from her disorder. I wish there were no such thing as IC. I wish my dad's heart was strong and he felt well. I hope the doctors can find a solution for his pain.

We watched a movie last night. I identified with the words from one of the actors. He said, "God doesn't allow bad things to happen to us. He just takes care of us when they do." I hope I can rest in that truth.

Black Eyed Peas and other good food

If you live in the South, you know it's a must to eat black-eyed peas and cabbage on New Year's Day. I L.O.V.E. cabbage, but Kelvin thinks it smells like a dirty diaper and stinks up the house, so I refrained from cooking it this year. But I did make some very yummy black-eyed peas in the form of Hoppin' John Stew. Ooooh wee, it's good. You have to make the cheesy grits to serve with it or it's not the same. And don't forget the cilantro like I did; it gives it that extra little punch!

While at the deer lease I also made some delicioso chili and some ever popular chicken and cheese enchiladas.

Christmas morning was yummy around our house too. I made overnight Blueberry French Toast with sausage and hot chocolate. And for Christmas dinner, I whipped up a batch of crawfish étouffée to go along with all the other wonderful food at Kelvin's family's celebration...gumbo, turkey, dressing, etc., etc. For sweet treats, one of Kelvin's friend's wife made the most amazing chocolate chip pecan pie and chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese and chocolate chip filling. I wish I could relay to you how incredible these treats were. Just a minute while I wipe my drool.

Now that the food fest season is behind us, I need to get back on track with eating a bit healthier. I've gained about 8 pounds since Thanksgiving. Ugh! What are you planning to do to get back in the swing of things? I'm hoping to get busy around my house with some home workouts and maybe try my hand at running/walking again since I cancelled my gym membership. (Hope the 'ol hip will let me.) I'll see if they might have a better deal for the new year. I just got tired of paying every month and not being able to go. Plus, they cancelled all the classes I like. Blah! Oh well, we'll see. For now, I have to figure out what to feed my kids for breakfast this morning...

Luke wanted French toast and Carleigh wanted eggs and toast. It was their lucky day. Luke's French toast was extremely yummy if I do say so myself...topped with whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon...mmmm!

Funny story...I was buying groceries before the holidays and had Cora with me. I went to the dairy case to grab a can of whipped cream, and when Cora saw it, she opened her mouth wide open like a little bird. See, in the Dunnam household, we like to squirt whipped cream straight into our mouths, and Cora is no exception! She wanted her whipped cream squirt right then, thank you very much! I made her wait until we got home.

Tonight I made Chicken and Dumplings speedy style. They were surprisingly good! Definitely one to save.

Hope your new year is off to a good start.